"It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black"

Storm's a' comin'... I can feel it.
My body braced for the full impact.
I can't control the weather.
All I can do is adjust the thermostat
inside my head.

So I'm boarding the windows,
battening the hatches,
securing the valuables
in preparation for the squall.
Then again, maybe I should let it all
blow away in a cyclonic clearing of the debris...

The gale-force winds could destroy me
or allow something new to emerge
from the wreckage.
The goal and my current mantra is to
surrender to opportunity...

one single solitary day

Today was indeed an auspicious day! Not only was it my birthday on the Gregorian calendar it was also my Mayan birthday. I'm told this does not happen very often in one's lifetime. I didn't find out until the end of the day but I wished I had known earlier. I would've planned differently for the day...I'm not sure how but I would've used this opportunity in some spectacular fashion. As it is, my family and friends made this a wonderful day. And tonight I saved a life. My friend took me to dinner and as we enjoyed our meal, suddenly she choked on a piece of meat. She was choking and motioning to me that she could not breathe. I went behind her to perform the Heimlich Maneuver. I've never done the Heimlich Maneuver...my mind was racing to remember long ago first aid classes...thinking that I sure hoped someone in the crowded restaurant knew the Heimlich in case I failed. I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her and squeezed gently...she was still choking. So I took my fist and pressed harder, sending the lodged piece of meat flying across the table...just like in the movies! The strange thing was that no one at the neighboring tables or any of the service staff noticed. It was like we were in a bubble...facing death...conquering death...laughing at the joy of being alive. It was an auspicious day. Gregorian birthday, Mayan birthday, saved a life...I'm sure it is the beginning of change...it must be...

balance

It's my biggest challenge...finding balance admist all the chaos. I have elaborate plans for finding balance that tend to burn bright for a brief moment, then sputter and become ash. I have this hope that in the ashes there are tiny sparks that can be kindled into a flame again. This morning I rose before dark to do yoga with my favorite yoga teacher. It was incredible and exactly what I needed. If I could just hold on to that feeling all day I would be centered, calm, peaceful...and stress would roll off my back effortlessly. It's a dream...

During yoga this morning we used a visualization of my heart being an ocean, breathing into that ocean, watching it expand past the borders of my physical self to include everything, the breaths being the waves rising and falling...and if negative thoughts entered my mind I was to imagine them as raindrops falling into the ocean...flowing into the current...not disturbing the water or the ebb and flow of the waves...drifting away into nothingness. In the quiet, dimly lit room before sunrise it was easy to lose myself in that ocean...at one with the universe for a fleeting instant...later at work I've tried over and over to bring that image back into my consciousness but instead the ocean has become a stagnant pool of negativity and self-doubt but I will continue to breathe and seek balance and try to float out to a tiny island where I will find peace....

following my own voice

Because I was born so late in life
I am afraid I will never catch up
I will always be running hurriedly
To try and retrieve missed opportunities
But will feel like I am plodding
Taking two steps backward for each
one step forward.
Because I was born too late in life
And will surely never catch up
I must steal the adventures of the
Fearless and live vicariously
Through their exploits and follies
Lamenting the loss of my own life
Finding solace in back streets and alleys
Because I was born late in life
I fear I will never catch up
So I listen for the whispers in the night
Hoping for that one still small voice
That will guide me through the
Twists and turns of this existence
And maybe even sound a little bit like me..

in a buk mood

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him,I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he's in there. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? you want to screw up the works? you want to blow my book sales in Europe? there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep. I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad. then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there, I haven't quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it's nice enough to make a man weep, but I don't weep, do you? - Charles Bukowski

What I did on my summer vacation

Music: Shining in the Light by Page and Plant