Sunday, June 18, 2017

silence..




I felt the silence today.
The deep, dark kind that
Crushes any hope of getting free.
There are those random times
 silence comes with
Radiant light…the peaceful
brilliance that brings comfort.
 But sometimes silence surrounds you like
A glass chamber that isolates you
With only yourself to deal with
No escape, no relief, no reprieve 
Often silence can descend upon you
While you are in a crowd. So can loneliness.
Silence can be evasive when you need it or
Crowd you when you don’t want it at all.
Slippery silence…comes and goes…
Two-edged sword of dark or light…
Comfort or nuisance…craved or scorned
And still we seek it in desperate times
Searching frantically for sweet repose
 Or other times we try to avoid it
Shutting out the silence with
The noise of our distractions and cares.
Accept it as a gift in the somber void of night
Or in the sunlit day. Let it whisper to you its secrets
And welcome the refuge of its lack
when it cannot be found. Secrets can be
revealed there too.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

I knew

I am selfish, weak and tired.
I lash out at those I love,
Instead of sitting quietly
with what is
And what will be.
I plead for peace
But instead wallow
In anguish trying
To undo what's already happened.
I hunt for distraction
But instead come full
Circle back to the
Point of pain.
No escape, no relief...and yet

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Yellow day

Today is a yellow day.
I'm not sure why
or even if it matters.
I just know my mind
is seeing yellow.
Sometimes bright and cheerful,
sometimes sad and dingy.
It puts an odd filter on
everything I think.
Hoping tomorrow is a blue day...

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Bunny

“Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”                                                                                ― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit            


I relate to this bunny. We have some similarities. I saw him in a thrift store and looked into his one good pink eye and knew we were destined to be together. He is broken, tattered around the edges but still looks appealing enough to be loved by someone. 

This year hasn’t started out so well. The hope was that I would return to work in February and keep moving toward a more normal life. Unfortunately, I have been admitted twice into the hospital in January due to a gastrointestinal ailment caused (probably...maybe) by the radiation I had last summer for cancer. It took care of the cancer but left me with this condition that will (probably…maybe) stay with me for the rest of my life. I won’t go into ghastly details but I will say when I have a flare up (two to three times per week) I am reminded of the movie, The Exorcist (including the split-pea soup.) The attacks are random and harsh. So to return to work would be difficult. Alas, I am here again wondering and worrying about my future.

Yes, I am angry, frustrated and fearful. But, at times, I am also so grateful for the people in my life who still love me despite me being broken and tattered. Every day I search for new ways to find peace with the way things are and every once in a while, I find it.