the perfect day

The day held all I needed.

A crystal blue sky created the backdrop

For the flowers to flaunt their blooms.

I collected the warmth of the brilliant sun,

Letting it soak into my skin and soul.

The gentle breeze rustled through the leaves,

Whispering its wind song in my ears.

The chimes joined in the glorious chorus

Of songbirds, 

Creating a resplendent symphony.

And I thought, “This is it.”

Life has been mended and is whole again.

Certainly now I can find peace of mind.

I will prudently choose the proper path this time.

And the journey will be effortless and full of joy.

But suddenly one infinitesimal flicker of a thought

Slipped into view with a discordant and disagreeable plop.

I struggled to send it away as quickly as it came,

Maintaining my composure and idyllic ruminations.

It was already too late.

Soon an army of thoughts returned

To join the first one in the assault.

It was futile to try and stop them all.

And soon they overtook my mind,

Like a swarm of screaming banshees,

Destroying the short-lived peace I had enjoyed.

So I once again entered my cave of melancholy

Cue the woe and misery that blocks the sun

The onslaught continues.

Like an old movie I’ve seen before

The thoughts play over and over again.

I fear it will take more than a perfect day

To defeat the despair and anguish.

But still I search for escape from the pain

Something, in whatever form, to clear the fog and set me free.

Now I am waiting to be rescued from the relentless attacks,

Hoping my knight in shining armor appears soon.

stuck

 

My world continues to shrink. Since becoming ill I’ve lost my health, of course, my job, my 

friends…the outside world seems a dangerous, scary place so I stay in mostly. Now I have pretty much lost the ability to eat. My life revolves around pain, pills, bathrooms, doctors and Amazon prime. I am rarely motivated to do much else. The last few weeks have been a blur, can’t seem to focus on anything. I distract myself with games and movies on my phone and then feel ashamed for not doing more…. a vicious cycle.

 I do have people that care. They help and support me always. But the anger and resentment I feel about this ailment have been growing. I feel I am continually analyzing, questioning, and even complaining or lamenting about it all.  I want to accept that this is the way things are for the moment and may continue like this for awhile, maybe the rest of my life. I want to be at peace with it all. I want to be the caretaker not the one being taken care of…I want my life back! To not worry about the future or regret the past…you know…mindfulness, living in the moment…that! And not to be obsessed with what is happening to me physically. Peace!  I feel my family deserves that from me. How do I get to that place? I haven’t figured that out yet. I am always apologizing for being a burden. They assure me I’m not but I’m not convinced. I may still be in denial that this is happening to me. I must find a way to cope better with all this…Even this post sounds a little too much like my last post...but there it is...I'm stuck and desperately trying to find a way out of this dark mood.

Ok…and so it goes…moving on now…wish me luck!

Things to say

Yes, I know…I was going to write something every day for a year. but I have neglected it again. It's been several months I think.  If I write an extra long post today will it count?

Let me reintroduce myself again since it has been awhile. I am a mother, a grandmother (of 5), a wife, a sibling, a friend, a homeowner, an amateur photographer, poet, a bird watcher, an avid facebooker and tweeter, a retired special education teacher and a cancer survivor who is now burdened with a chronic illness called radiation enteritis. The radiation, that is supposed to cure, did stop the cancer cells from multiplying but damaged my small intestine beyond repair.  After months of intestinal distress, I got to the point of malnutrition because I was not absorbing nutrients from food. So now nutrition is pumped into me while I sleep through a PICC line that was positioned in my arm. I don’t know if this will be permanent or not. Last week the PICC line was out of position and the formula went to veins in my neck instead of directly to the large vein above my heart it is designed to empty into. I’m not sure how it malfunctioned but the irritation of the veins in my neck caused a blood clot to form and horrible pain in my throat, arm and back. I can kind of understand how people get addicted to opioids.  They moved my PICC line to the other arm, performed a CAT scan, prescribed blood thinners and pain pills and sent me home. And so, I begin again.  I eat small snacks throughout the day if I feel like it.  My life is severely limited now due to this illness. It is difficult to make plans or leave the house even. A huge amount of time is spent dealing with pain, digestion issues and innumerable trips to the bathroom. Is it any wonder that I don’t write or do much else?  

 I say all that to say this…the other day I was filled with an extreme feeling of tranquility. There was no singing choir or shafts of sunlight beaming down on me but for one minute (60 seconds) I felt well and at peace. I sat quietly and let that feeling flow throughout my body. It was transforming. Then the rumbling inside my stomach started again, the pain increased and I was back to dealing with illness. But I have that moment and I think about it a lot…hoping to feel it again. Sure, I have other moments, especially with family and friends and we laugh and love and support each other which helps me not feel so useless. That peaceful moment, though, is what I long for and work toward. Whether I have pain or not I want to feel peaceful, serene and I want it for those I love as well. One needs goals, I guess.

One other subject I have been thinking about is my need to be liked and please people. I think it is a family trait passed down from generation to generation.  As I get older, I am seeing more the importance of being myself. Yet, I still find it difficult to disagree with people I care about. Except my sister…I have no trouble, as she will attest to, disagreeing with her and stating my opinion. Maybe it’s the rebellious, baby-sister syndrome.  But I will confess I still worry about not liking what other people like. I want to fit in and not feel odd. On the other hand, being odd and unique is becoming more appealing to me, which is probably good since I am alone most of the time during the day and there is no one there to witness my quirky behaviors.  Still, my sister jokingly chides me, often, about not liking Jane Austen and opera. There are probably other things I don’t like that she does enjoy (like Hallmark movies), however, those two stand out. So, in a spirit of solidarity I spent a day watching the Pride and Prejudice series. It was the 1995 series with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. If I was going to do this, I at least needed Colin Firth to get me through. After binge-watching the entire season, I now know I have not changed my opinion about Jane Austen. I mean, it was watchable but it just seemed all about nothing. Finding husbands, either for love or prestige or both, and following the strict requirements of a demanding society seemed to be the theme. Maybe I’m missing something deeper but I couldn’t seem to care about these people. And I think I’m okay with feeling that way.  Love you, sis!  And then there was opera…nah…I didn’t even try! 😊

I’m going to try and be around more…hopefully…and so it goes…