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Well, so much for writing in my blog regularly.  Life gets busy, confusing and sometimes dark. I seem to be going through one of those dark periods now. The damage to my intestines from radiation is wreaking havoc. It causes pain, indigestion, vomiting, diarrhea and, the worst, obstructions that block up everything. Last week I was in the hospital with a small bowel obstruction and had to have an NG tube to drain the contents of my stomach out. I've heard they were horrible to insert (through your nose, past your sinuses, into your throat then down into your stomach) but was not prepared for just how horrible it was. And then just the uncomfortable feeling of it irritating your nose and throat constantly as a vacuum sucks out the gastric juices stuck in your stomach. And you watch it float past through a tube that empties into a receptacle installed somewhere behind my hospital bed. It is surreal to say the least. So we sat in the hospital waiting for the obstruction to clear on its own or to decide on surgery. It cleared and I have been home for a week, still on a liquid diet (and none of the liquids being vodka) and still throwing up everyday. Not sure what will happen next. But that's me...

Had some interesting experiences in the hospital, as you do. There were competent, kind nurses and then the incompetent kind that make you want to scream but you don't cause it would make the pain in your throat worse. Even crying hurt. So I was stalwart and brave (ha!) and kept my cool most of the time. You will have to talk to my family about the other times. I'm not confessing that part here. Being in the hospital also messes with your mind somehow. I wasn't dying (though sometimes I wished I was) but one day felt like I had an out-of-body experience. The transport engineer (bed pusher) was pushing my bed down the hall to go to imaging for an x-ray. The halls being narrow meant anyone walking in the halls had to press up against the sea-green walls for the bed to pass. They all smiled or waved at me in a friendly, compassionate way. Suddenly I felt I was at a parade and somehow my white hospital bed was the main float and people had gathered just to see me. So I waved my best parade-like wave and smiled benevolently back at my fans. If you have ever seen the movie, "Big Fish", it was like a scene in that movie when the main character is returning to the river from whence he came. But I didn't go anywhere exciting. I ended up in a holding room waiting for my turn for an x-ray. At one point it was no longer a comforting place to wait but rather a holding "cell" of sorts. There were people crying and throwing up. The 'sitter' in the room stayed busy tending to everyone while at the same time trying to explain to me and show pictures on her phone of the great bargains she got at Goodwill last weekend. One young girl was in agony and was trying to curl up in a wheel chair without much success. Finally they got her a stretcher but she kept getting out of it to offer it to other sick folks. I finally told her I was sure she hadn't taken the last stretcher in the hospital and just to lay down and go to sleep. Which she promptly did. I also told her I was sorry she was suffering and she told me not to be too nice or she would cry. So I said okay then put your big girl panties on and buck up and take it. She chuckled and said thanks buddy.  I just wanted out. Somehow it brought up images of what I've heard about jail or purgatory or maybe even hell.

But the day after I came home was sunny with a bright blue sky and a wonderful breeze that made my wind chimes sing. First signs of autumn...So enough of whining and to offset it I must always mention my gratefulness for the strength, patience and nurturing spirit of my husband Paul. And the love and concern of family and friends who will do whatever I need to make me feel better. Thank you and I love you more than words can say.

Now back to jello...