My world continues to shrink. Since becoming ill I’ve lost
my health, of course, my job, my
friends…the outside world seems a dangerous,
scary place so I stay in mostly. Now I have pretty much lost the ability to eat.
My life revolves around pain, pills, bathrooms, doctors and Amazon prime. I am
rarely motivated to do much else. The last few weeks have been a blur, can’t
seem to focus on anything. I distract myself with games and movies on my phone
and then feel ashamed for not doing more…. a vicious
cycle.
I do have people that care. They help and
support me always. But the anger and resentment I feel about this ailment have
been growing. I feel I am continually analyzing, questioning, and even
complaining or lamenting about it all. I
want to accept that this is the way things are for the moment and may continue like
this for awhile, maybe the rest of my life. I want to be at peace with it all.
I want to be the caretaker not the one being taken care of…I want my life back!
To not worry about the future or regret the past…you know…mindfulness, living
in the moment…that! And not to be obsessed with what is happening to me physically.
Peace! I feel my family deserves that
from me. How do I get to that place? I haven’t figured that out yet. I am
always apologizing for being a burden. They assure me I’m not but I’m not
convinced. I may still be in denial that this is happening to me. I must find a
way to cope better with all this…Even this post sounds a little too much like my last post...but there it is...I'm stuck and desperately trying to find a way out of this dark mood.
Ok…and so it goes…moving on now…wish me luck!
