Friday, November 7, 2014
One of my companions during this journey has been fear. I have come to know him quite well. I know his smell. Its vaguely the smell of burnt coffee mixed with a sweet perfume. I know the taste of fear. It is metal. It collects in the back of your throat, lump-style, and feels like it might choke you. Fear pops up randomly sometimes. Other times it is when you receive news that should scare you. Fear doesn't miss the opportunity to make sure you know he is there. I have read, discussed, cried, begged, shouted and swore about how to get rid of this unpleasant companion. The last article said I should bring light into the situation to offset the darkness of fear. The method it suggested for bringing light in was to do something to fix the problem that is causing you fear. The treatment I am going through is what I'm doing, but its pretty scary itself so it doesn't bring much light in. But there are other forms of light. Yesterday I spent hours on the phone with a DNA consultant that is doing genetic research on my form of cancer. I was wrecked after the conversation and fear offered to come sit with me and keep me company. I let him for awhile until the rainbow man appeared and filled my house with rainbows. And then the crocodile woman came snapping at my pain and bringing me comfort. Fear started easing toward the front door. And there are others who show up with laughter and such caring that fear begins to gag from all the love and has to take a break. I know he'll be back but everyday I find new ways to keep him at bay. And if I can't then I rant and rave and cry and that brings some relief and fear backs away a little. I am not by nature a positive person but by the time this is over you may not even recognize me. Or at least maybe fear will be a little less likely to want to hang with me.