Things to say

Yes, I know…I was going to write something every day for a year. but I have neglected it again. It's been several months I think.  If I write an extra long post today will it count?

Let me reintroduce myself again since it has been awhile. I am a mother, a grandmother (of 5), a wife, a sibling, a friend, a homeowner, an amateur photographer, poet, a bird watcher, an avid facebooker and tweeter, a retired special education teacher and a cancer survivor who is now burdened with a chronic illness called radiation enteritis. The radiation, that is supposed to cure, did stop the cancer cells from multiplying but damaged my small intestine beyond repair.  After months of intestinal distress, I got to the point of malnutrition because I was not absorbing nutrients from food. So now nutrition is pumped into me while I sleep through a PICC line that was positioned in my arm. I don’t know if this will be permanent or not. Last week the PICC line was out of position and the formula went to veins in my neck instead of directly to the large vein above my heart it is designed to empty into. I’m not sure how it malfunctioned but the irritation of the veins in my neck caused a blood clot to form and horrible pain in my throat, arm and back. I can kind of understand how people get addicted to opioids.  They moved my PICC line to the other arm, performed a CAT scan, prescribed blood thinners and pain pills and sent me home. And so, I begin again.  I eat small snacks throughout the day if I feel like it.  My life is severely limited now due to this illness. It is difficult to make plans or leave the house even. A huge amount of time is spent dealing with pain, digestion issues and innumerable trips to the bathroom. Is it any wonder that I don’t write or do much else?  

 I say all that to say this…the other day I was filled with an extreme feeling of tranquility. There was no singing choir or shafts of sunlight beaming down on me but for one minute (60 seconds) I felt well and at peace. I sat quietly and let that feeling flow throughout my body. It was transforming. Then the rumbling inside my stomach started again, the pain increased and I was back to dealing with illness. But I have that moment and I think about it a lot…hoping to feel it again. Sure, I have other moments, especially with family and friends and we laugh and love and support each other which helps me not feel so useless. That peaceful moment, though, is what I long for and work toward. Whether I have pain or not I want to feel peaceful, serene and I want it for those I love as well. One needs goals, I guess.

One other subject I have been thinking about is my need to be liked and please people. I think it is a family trait passed down from generation to generation.  As I get older, I am seeing more the importance of being myself. Yet, I still find it difficult to disagree with people I care about. Except my sister…I have no trouble, as she will attest to, disagreeing with her and stating my opinion. Maybe it’s the rebellious, baby-sister syndrome.  But I will confess I still worry about not liking what other people like. I want to fit in and not feel odd. On the other hand, being odd and unique is becoming more appealing to me, which is probably good since I am alone most of the time during the day and there is no one there to witness my quirky behaviors.  Still, my sister jokingly chides me, often, about not liking Jane Austen and opera. There are probably other things I don’t like that she does enjoy (like Hallmark movies), however, those two stand out. So, in a spirit of solidarity I spent a day watching the Pride and Prejudice series. It was the 1995 series with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy. If I was going to do this, I at least needed Colin Firth to get me through. After binge-watching the entire season, I now know I have not changed my opinion about Jane Austen. I mean, it was watchable but it just seemed all about nothing. Finding husbands, either for love or prestige or both, and following the strict requirements of a demanding society seemed to be the theme. Maybe I’m missing something deeper but I couldn’t seem to care about these people. And I think I’m okay with feeling that way.  Love you, sis!  And then there was opera…nah…I didn’t even try! 😊

I’m going to try and be around more…hopefully…and so it goes…