sounds

All was quiet today.

I only heard the sounds 

of my own breathing

a silent, soft inhaling

then a louder

exhale, almost a sigh

as the breath 

left and traveled to

another place.  I know

there were other sounds

of rain and wind and voices

but I shut them all just

 to follow the gasp

and shudder of my own

pant entering my heart

...searching for the

breeze and waiting for the

sound of knowing.

just one...

 

A tiny trace

The smallest hint

A gossamer allusion

To what was before

 Sends her in swift retreat

To the murky recesses

Of the corner closet

Cradled in shadows

Wrapped in a mantle

Of moonlight

That trickles through

The window and

Presses into the cracks

And crevices filling

The dark sanctuary

With a glimmer of light

Which she grasps

With both hands

As the floor falls

Beneath her and

She floats into the

Starless night sky…

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt

Icarus: All limits are self-imposed. 


It's true! Sometimes I'm in denial about it but it's true. So the journey begins to find what I really, really, really want and to stop imposing the limits that have prevented me from finding what I really, really, really want...


 More thoughts on denial:
http://phdcancer.blogspot.com/

bask

I took a deep breath,

And in the sacred moment between taking in breath

And letting it out,

I searched for a tiny bit of silence.  

Seeking that one infinitesimal second that

miraculously holds

The entire universe in a diminutive space…

But there was something missing.

Something out of kilter, something askew.

I turned in rage against those to blame

For its absence.

I found many to reproach for being

Inept and careless.

They had ruined my peace and

Must be held accountable.

And when they had been reprimanded soundly

I sent them on their way and out of my life.

I was sure I would find the harmony I needed.

But there was always one person left.

No matter how severely I accused her

She was still there…repentant and sorrowful,

begging for absolution…

I don’t think she’s going away.

She may be the one that was

Sent to save my life or for me to

Save hers.

So we simultaneously breathe and hope and let go

in silent contrition.

this way out

I want to be lost,

adrift in the silence of om,

floundering in peril,

forgetting past blunders,

breaking old patterns,

mystified by the beauty of the puzzle.

I want to love the bewildered,

study their aimless truth,

follow their disoriented paths,

hold tight their hands as we

leap into the baffling rift,

between now and forever.

I want to travel in confusion,

go astray into dark rooms,

where others fear to enter,

to find the secrets of the forlorn,

in the haven of the perplexed.

And there I will find rest.

unsuited

I’m not suited for this.
Maybe some day I will be,
I cannot name the year or time.
Certainly I fear my soul will shun peace
Until that moment breaks.

But if escape offers some reprieve,
I will gratefully embrace its bounty.
I eagerly await its arrival to divert
The yellow noise of distraction
Into the calm blues of flight

I will return to the ample expanse
Where following breath leads to
Quiet void, most excellent and fair.
And finally sends me back to exquisite pain,
The customary price for touching bliss.

balance

It's my biggest challenge...finding balance admist all the chaos. I have elaborate plans for finding balance that tend to burn bright for a brief moment, then sputter and become ash. I have this hope that in the ashes there are tiny sparks that can be kindled into a flame again. This morning I rose before dark to do yoga with my favorite yoga teacher. It was incredible and exactly what I needed. If I could just hold on to that feeling all day I would be centered, calm, peaceful...and stress would roll off my back effortlessly. It's a dream...

During yoga this morning we used a visualization of my heart being an ocean, breathing into that ocean, watching it expand past the borders of my physical self to include everything, the breaths being the waves rising and falling...and if negative thoughts entered my mind I was to imagine them as raindrops falling into the ocean...flowing into the current...not disturbing the water or the ebb and flow of the waves...drifting away into nothingness. In the quiet, dimly lit room before sunrise it was easy to lose myself in that ocean...at one with the universe for a fleeting instant...later at work I've tried over and over to bring that image back into my consciousness but instead the ocean has become a stagnant pool of negativity and self-doubt but I will continue to breathe and seek balance and try to float out to a tiny island where I will find peace....

mango meditation II or the Tibetan Singing Bowl Strikes Again

The silence was swirling

around my head like smoke.

There was no movement

except for the branches

of the tree swaying slightly

in the breeze

I reached to pull a piece

of fruit off the tree

when suddenly a mad goose

began pecking at my feet

He was fiercely attacking

my ankles and legs.

I tried to step away.

But every turn brought him

closer.

I fed him red clover and stroked

his feathered head.

He ran away to fight other battles

leaving me in silence again.