stuck

 

My world continues to shrink. Since becoming ill I’ve lost my health, of course, my job, my 

friends…the outside world seems a dangerous, scary place so I stay in mostly. Now I have pretty much lost the ability to eat. My life revolves around pain, pills, bathrooms, doctors and Amazon prime. I am rarely motivated to do much else. The last few weeks have been a blur, can’t seem to focus on anything. I distract myself with games and movies on my phone and then feel ashamed for not doing more…. a vicious cycle.

 I do have people that care. They help and support me always. But the anger and resentment I feel about this ailment have been growing. I feel I am continually analyzing, questioning, and even complaining or lamenting about it all.  I want to accept that this is the way things are for the moment and may continue like this for awhile, maybe the rest of my life. I want to be at peace with it all. I want to be the caretaker not the one being taken care of…I want my life back! To not worry about the future or regret the past…you know…mindfulness, living in the moment…that! And not to be obsessed with what is happening to me physically. Peace!  I feel my family deserves that from me. How do I get to that place? I haven’t figured that out yet. I am always apologizing for being a burden. They assure me I’m not but I’m not convinced. I may still be in denial that this is happening to me. I must find a way to cope better with all this…Even this post sounds a little too much like my last post...but there it is...I'm stuck and desperately trying to find a way out of this dark mood.

Ok…and so it goes…moving on now…wish me luck!