Day #5

I can hardly believe I have kept the blog up for five days now. It doesn't match my personality to continue or finish projects. I am random and routines drive me crazy. I do know some discipline may be good for me...eating, exercise, meditation, housecleaning, writing, paying bills, breathing, etc. But, for some reason, I rebel against scheduling. I am usually late everywhere I go unless my more responsible husband is involved in the preparations. The house can be neglected for long periods of time, unless my more responsible husband is involved in the cleaning. My parents were proponents of routine and order even to the point of planning their breakfasts by days of the week. One week they had their Thursday waffles on Wednesday and kept thinking it was Wednesday the rest of the day. My father hated tardiness. He was the official clock watcher and timekeeper. And he took his job seriously much to the chagrin of the rest of us. My mother cleaned religiously whether it needed or not. She straightened each evening to make sure she woke up to tidiness. Okay, after writing that I may realize why I don't like routine. Maybe inside I am still rebelling against my parents. I never did it outwardly (model child you know) so it has to come out somewhere. Most of my rebellions are covert acts of mutiny and I try to appear cooperative and compliant to the general public.

Today's schedule fell apart before it even started. I had two appointments that I had to cancel because I was too sick to go. I've rescheduled and hopefully will be able to make it next time. I really didn't cancel today because of rebellion. I actually could not leave the house. And I felt it was some inherent weakness in myself that I couldn't follow through. I guess that sounds like a contradiction to my schedule shunning. But you probably should know I am a mass of contradictions. I want to please people, appear reliable and consistent but my feelings don't always match my actions.

 My absentee ballot for voting that I ordered over a week ago did not arrive. I struggled to go to the mailbox and climb the stairs back into the house with the ballot still missing.  So I will have to figure out a way to stand in line tomorrow for hours though I can't stand for longer than five minutes without reaching the point of exhaustion.

Well I should stop now, the day has disappeared and I don't have any idea where it went. I have forgotten to eat so I guess I should try to now. And I don't want to complain...too much. Love to you all! And so it goes...