crap shoot: something that is random, not based on skill.

Today the all-important blood levels held and I had another chemo treatment.  It was a day of mixed emotions. Isn't everyday?  Seems to be for me.

The fact that after today I only have one more treatment is very exciting but also scary. The realization I am returning to real life is a bit daunting. I'm glad to be getting through but at the same time I have been at home since August and cancer has changed me in many ways. Will I be able to keep up with life situations the way I did before? (And sometimes I didn't handle life the way I wanted so will it be even harder now...with physical limitations and chemo fog?) We shall see... And of course there is always the possibility of cancer returning hanging over your head but I'm hoping with time that fades some. I want a fresh start...a new and better life...we shall see...

Then one of my friends who I have chemo with was told today that treatments were not working and she should consider hospice. The doctor told her she needed to think about quality of life since she struggles to come in but is receiving no benefit from the chemo. She and her granddaughter were crying and I just wanted to hold them in my arms and take care of them. Make everything better. I know it is impossible for me to do but its what I wanted. So I said the few words of comfort I could and hid my own tears because it is what seemed best at the moment. Watching their pain was excruciating. But it is all part of the cancer nightmare.

Later that afternoon I met a woman who has been cancer-free for seven years. She beat the odds with a cancer that often comes back quickly and with a vengeance.  It gave me hope! Talking with her lifted my spirits from the emotional morning and as I left the infusion lab I felt new strength. This could be me...I could beat the odds too.

As we were leaving, a woman approached me. I met her at my very first chemo treatment last September. She was back because her cancer had returned again. She had almost two years cancer-free but it returned. She had more chemo and went back into remission but it only lasted three months and she is back for her third round of chemo. I felt my hope fading and my heart went out to her and the fear she was feeling. She acted very positive  it would just be 'maintenance chemo' and she would go back into remission. I hope that is true for her and will support her in this effort any way I can.

So after bouncing up and down all day I finally arrived at home for a long nap. Or actually several short ones. I feel good (steroids) and am ready to keep battling. I discussed all this with my amazing sister and she kindly reminded me that life is a crap shoot, even if you don't have cancer.  We just don't know what will happen from moment to moment so we take each day at at time and try to have hope and strength and appreciation. Yep that's what we try to do.