What feelings have I felt since being diagnosed with cancer?
I remember the day so vividly, though sometimes I wish it wasn’t so vivid. I
kept getting a phone call throughout the day from a number I didn’t recognize so I
ignored it. After school Paul and I were going to have a photo matted
and that same number called for the fourth time so I decided to answer it. It
was the oncologist and he asked me if it was a good time to talk. I was driving
down the interstate at 70 mph but I assumed it would be a quick call and I told
him it was fine. Because even though he was calling about a biopsy I had a week
earlier, I knew (felt, assumed, guessed, deduced, predicted) that the biopsy
would be negative and the endometriosis he found would not be a big deal to resolve.
Of course, we all know by now, I was wrong and he told me it was cancer, a very
serious cancer involving surgery and chemotherapy. He apologized for having to
give me this news over the phone but he wanted to schedule the surgery quickly
and didn’t have time for me to make an appointment to talk in person. But said
I could call anytime to discuss my questions. I thanked him and hung up. A few
minutes later I called him back to ask him what kind of cancer I had…I thought
it important to have that information.
What I felt first is what most people feel and that is
disbelief. No, this can’t be happening to me. I have spent some time caring for
my sister when she had breast cancer, for my mother, who at that time was dying
from ovarian cancer and for my father through a myriad of diseases and
conditions. The similarity between my cancer and my mother’s was uncanny, I
just couldn’t believe it would happen to me at all, the caretaker, much less
now when my mother was preparing for her life to end from cancer. I had a
hysterectomy the year before to remove parts that might become cancerous later
on in life due to family history. So
much for that strategy!
After disbelief came the usual emotional devastation when
you realize it is real and you have to believe it. I felt great sadness, anger
and disappointment. I felt I wanted to not treat it at all and go ahead and
give up on life. I didn't feel like I could go through it all. I felt weak and helpless. There were tears and gnashing of teeth. Then there was
numbness. I think you have to go into the numb stage to protect your brain and heart
from overload.
The next few months were a mixture of sadness, self-pity and
numbness. My mother died a few days
after my first chemo treatment. I felt grief that she was gone and relief that she was spared
more suffering. There was so much going on physically that I feel like I never
had time to adequately process what was happening to me emotionally. But finally some emotions I did not expect
showed up…and they were fear and anxiety. Yes I know its normal to feel these
when going through surgery and chemo but the extent to which I felt them
surprised me. I became afraid and nervous about EVERYTHING, even the things
that were not cancer related. If Paul went out I knew he would have a car
accident and never return. If I heard a
noise at night it was someone breaking in to kill us in our sleep. I began
reading the news and saw how scary our world is. I started studying food
choices and realized we are probably all getting poisoned slowly but
surely. Any ache or pain or twinge meant
the cancer was growing. Any abnormality in my body meant I was getting an
infection again. I realized that once you know you are not invincible then
anything bad can happen…and probably would.
I hated being afraid of everything.
Now that there some is distance from that day my feelings are
less erratic and often mixed with happy emotions. My sense of humour has
improved and I can make jokes, though my family may wish I still didn’t. I plan for the future now and buy new things,
which I stopped doing for awhile because I was sure I was going to die at any
moment. I feel grateful. People really are good and have done so much to help
that I feel great appreciation. I feel
more compassion for those going through hard times. I am not sure whether it is time that has
helped or if I’m really learning something. I still feel fear. I still feel
sorry for myself sometimes. I still get angry at times that this is happening
to me. All normal I think. But most of all I know I am responsible for my
reactions to all the emotions I feel.
And so we move on from this day of discovery to whatever is next.
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